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Post by HY on Jul 3, 2007 13:44:31 GMT -6
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D to Nancy!
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Post by grumpypirate on Jul 4, 2007 21:35:15 GMT -6
I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed? What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken? What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane? If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go? If you get cheated by the better business bureau, who do you complain to? How does Santa get into a house that doesn't have a chimney? Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? Why do the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep all have the same tune? Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open? Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom? Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse? How can something be new and improved? if it's new, what was it improving on? Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy? why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car? If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light - how fast is a moving light? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth? If you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade? Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure? If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong? If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas? How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing? Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot? Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? How can you hear yourself think? How can you chop down a tree and then chop it up? If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers? What's the difference between a wise man and a wise guy? What would happen if an Irresistible Force met an Immovable Object? Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter? Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests? Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg? What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about? Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump? What happens if someone loses a lost and found box? Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage? Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?
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Post by Nancyd021410 on Jul 6, 2007 9:59:16 GMT -6
I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?... Only when you eat an orangeWhat would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?.. BOOBIESWhat would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane? BITE ME WORLD HERE I COMEIf you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go? If your in hell, your never gonna be happy, so go figure, tell them to be happy?...If you get cheated by the better business bureau, who do you complain to? MeHow does Santa get into a house that doesn't have a chimney? pfst, he magically creates one you goofersDo illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? Only with a spoonWhy do the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep all have the same tune? Just becauseWhy do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open? Cause they are bitches with NO brainsWhy did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom? Cause they like banana's and have sick sick sick gutter mindsIs Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse? Nope, Dollyworld is operated by a booby mouseHow can something be new and improved? if it's new, what was it improving on? Cause they REALLY fucked up and didn't wanna admit it?.. Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy? Cause Daddy has all the money?why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car? cause cause cause cause cause.... If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light - how fast is a moving light? 1,253,356 miles per hourIf electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Nope, only boys that have frogs in their pockes come from themWhy is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth? Inflation sucksIf you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade? LMAO. yeah, that's what it would beeeeeWhy is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure? Cause you can't touch the starsIf a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong? doh, of courseIf The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas? Cause Dino was in itHow come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing? Cause I said soIs a hot car cool or is a cool car hot? Neither, it's sweetIs a man full of wonder a wonderful man? Nope, just a stupid oneIf corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? Baby poo that is recycledHow can you hear yourself think? Only when the other voices shut up long enough for me to hear the shit... How can you chop down a tree and then chop it up? With an axIf Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?.. How did you know that?What's the difference between a wise man and a wise guy? One is smart and the other one will kill ya for being smart?What would happen if an Irresistible Force met an Immovable Object? They'd kiss?Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter? Cause the pens aren't insured....dohWhy do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Do they really, how do we know this fact?If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests? FailuresWhere in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg? LOOK AT THE PICTURES goofball, he's an egg... What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about? Then the world would just be okey dokey then?Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump? it's just going with the flowWhat happens if someone loses a lost and found box? They are screwedWhy do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage? Better than leaving the worthless junk in the car?Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER? Cause they done made YOU broke
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Post by grumpypirate on Jul 6, 2007 12:16:47 GMT -6
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Oh Nancy! You just helped make my day a lot better with those!! Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not? If when people freak out they are said to be "having a cow", when cows freak out are they said to be "having a person?" Why is it called lipstick when it always comes off? If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all masochist? If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore? Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids? Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows? If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule? Can blind people see their dreams? Where does the white go when the snow melts? What came first, the fruit or the color orange? Is a sleeping bag a nap sack? If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid? Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes? Did they have antiques in the olden days? Why are pennies bigger than dimes? If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first? How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter? What do you call male ballerinas? Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10? Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple? Why is the blackboard green? On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren't even in the word? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do? Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack" Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails? If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice? What's the opposite of opposite? Why do we scrub Down and wash Up? Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house? Do sore thumbs really stick out? If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like? If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight? Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet. Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down? Why do birds have white poop? What was the best thing before sliced bread?
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Post by Nancyd021410 on Jul 9, 2007 19:06:47 GMT -6
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Post by Nancyd021410 on Jul 15, 2007 6:09:53 GMT -6
Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not? No but it does bother me when people ask questions that they already know the answer to. EXAMPLE: Sitting there shaving your legs -- Someone comes up and asks "What cha doin'?".... If when people freak out they are said to be "having a cow", when cows freak out are they said to be "having a person?" Nope, they just shitWhy is it called lipstick when it always comes off? Cause it's lip on de stick that counts, be funny to come as lipjuiceIf masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all masochist? Oh my Lord, noIf Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? What fun would of that been? Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore? Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? so you can say OH SHIT when you see your going that fast and see the red & blue lights comin' at cha.Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Cause it would tickle JaneHave you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids? They are?.. Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows? Cause Gates was drunk that night?If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule? Only if I say soCan blind people see their dreams? Only with sunglasses onWhere does the white go when the snow melts? To Heaven!!!!What came first, the fruit or the color orange? The broccoli came firstIs a sleeping bag a nap sack? Yes... If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid? So the ants don't get anyAre zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes? both, but when they get spots, STOP TAKING YOUR MEDICATION IMMEDIATELYDid they have antiques in the olden days? BITE ME, hell- I'M AN ANTIQUEWhy are pennies bigger than dimes? Anything smaller than a dime, you couldn't find it in your purse....DOH... If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first? ProbablyHow come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter? pfst- because we don't put the coppertone ON our hair, ONLY our skinWhat do you call male ballerinas? GayWhy do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10? NO SHIT, I've thought about that one for YEARS, let's change this soon ok?Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple? Cause you use it when your stoned, and all colors *cough* I hear are more brilliant and vivarant than when your not stoned?.. Why is the blackboard green? Where? On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren't even in the word? They were high on drugs when they wrote that shit up... Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! Are they really? DAMMIT, I thought they were cute little dudes in suits this whole timeIf you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do? Accomplish a goal?Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack" YES!!!!Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails? Not mine. One year, I forgot to trim those suckers, and you SHOULD HAVE seen em! Hence, the larger clipper.. If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice? Jesus is perfectWhat's the opposite of opposite? MEWhy do we scrub Down and wash Up? Cell growthWhy is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house? Do sore thumbs really stick out? YEAH... If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like? like SHITIf love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight? Because I said so.Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet. SURE, let's work on changing this one as wellWhy is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down? Because it's STILL elevating you to the people in the world that stand up side down all the time... Why do birds have white poop? I KNOW THIS ONE I KNOW THIS ONE....Because 86% of ALL BIRD shit carries encyphelitis, it's DISEASED and crusty and dangerous, and very untasty when falls into your mouth when eating your lemon pieWhat was the best thing before sliced bread? ME of course...
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Post by HY on Jul 15, 2007 14:22:53 GMT -6
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Post by LMC on Jul 15, 2007 21:08:42 GMT -6
;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by grumpypirate on Jul 16, 2007 14:09:48 GMT -6
Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning? Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it? Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it? Why are boxing rings square? If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living? Is the fear of flying groundless? Do mimes watch silent movies? Does peanut butter really have butter in it? Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car? Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken? If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself? Does a postman deliver his own mail? If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds? Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest? What do people in China call their good plates? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand? Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air? Is French kissing in France just called kissing? If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery? Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring? Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat? Do vampires get AIDS? Why are SOFTballs hard? If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ? Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year? Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop? In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast? If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages? What do you call a female daddy long legs? Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary? Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E. Isn't it kind of ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little red flag? Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts? If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
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Post by sjjo1973 on Jul 17, 2007 14:05:35 GMT -6
Actual call center conversations!
Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?" Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?" Customer: "It's on the door of your business." Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about." Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack beforecleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?" Operator: "Does the product name give you a clue?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe) "If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please" Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?" Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "OK." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?" Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." Operator: "What sort of trouble??" Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." Operator: "Went away?" Caller: "They disappeared." Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" Caller: "Nothing." Operator: "Nothing??" Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??" Caller: "How do I tell?" Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??" Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?" Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type." Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??" Caller: "What's a monitor?" Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??" Caller: "I don't know." Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??" Caller: "Yes, I think so." Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: "Yes, it is." Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." Caller: "Okay, here it is." Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Caller: "I can't reach." Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??" Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark." Operator: "Dark??" Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then." Caller: "I can't." Operator: "No? Why not??" Caller: "Because there's a power failure." Operator: "A power . A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??" Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?" Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??" Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"
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Post by Nancyd021410 on Jul 17, 2007 14:30:15 GMT -6
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by HY on Jul 17, 2007 14:37:04 GMT -6
Ditto what Nancy said!
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Post by sjjo1973 on Jul 20, 2007 10:54:16 GMT -6
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
( THIS GETS BETTER !)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
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Post by Nancyd021410 on Jul 20, 2007 11:08:30 GMT -6
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D GOOD ONE
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Post by grumpypirate on Jul 20, 2007 15:10:24 GMT -6
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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