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Post by Nancyd021410 on May 7, 2007 16:36:47 GMT -6
Let's focus on Summer time and Street teaming jokes!.....
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Post by Nancyd021410 on May 28, 2007 10:47:22 GMT -6
Why did the Chicken cross the Road?
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Post by Nancyd021410 on May 28, 2007 12:30:40 GMT -6
kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
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Post by Nancyd021410 on May 28, 2007 12:31:04 GMT -6
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Post by Nancyd021410 on May 28, 2007 12:34:05 GMT -6
Dino's joke for the day.....
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the ROCK was on the other side!!!! Spread the Love!!!! -D2K.....
hehehe..Bless His heart....get it?....the ROCK....Ok, I'm hushing it
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Post by LMC on May 28, 2007 12:36:28 GMT -6
;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Nancyd021410 on May 30, 2007 22:15:30 GMT -6
Sent by a friend...... Why did the tomato turn red? Because he saw the salad dressing. How do you fix a broken tomato? Tomato paste. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D.....long story, but tomato jokes are the BEST evah....
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Post by Nancyd021410 on May 31, 2007 7:21:43 GMT -6
Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? A: I'm bacon! Will you remember me in an hour? Yes. Will you remember me in a day? Yes. Will you remember me in a week? Yes. Will you remember me in a month? Yes. Will you remember me in a year? Yes. I think you won't. Yes, I will. Knock knock Who's there? See? You've forgotten me already! * Person 1: Do you want to hear a dirty joke? Person 2: Sure. Person 1: I fell in the mud.
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Post by Nancyd021410 on Jun 3, 2007 11:19:39 GMT -6
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "
BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
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Post by Nancyd021410 on Jun 3, 2007 11:19:54 GMT -6
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Post by HY on Jun 3, 2007 13:00:01 GMT -6
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Nancyd021410 on Jun 4, 2007 5:24:41 GMT -6
Sick Day Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
A union negotiator broke the silence in the room.
"Wow!" he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
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Post by LMC on Jun 4, 2007 20:18:49 GMT -6
Don't know if these are really that funny A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States Congressman!" The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
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Post by HY on Jun 6, 2007 15:04:04 GMT -6
I just got these in an email today and had to share. ;D ;D ;D ;D
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ________________________________________ __________ _________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ________________________________________ __________ ___
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. ________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ________________________________________ __________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. ________________________________________ __________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. ________________________________________ __________ _______
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ________________________________________ __________ _____
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ________________________________________ __________ _____
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one... ________________________________________ __________ ____
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ________________________________________ __________ _____
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... ________________________________________ __________ _____
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______ _____ _______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ________________________________________ __________ ______
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ________________________________________ __________ ______
ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ________________________________________ __________ ______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ________________________________________ __________ ______
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ________________________________________ __________ ______
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ________________________________________ __________ ______
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh? ________________________________________ __________ ______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure ? WIT NESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Post by Nancyd021410 on Jun 6, 2007 15:59:00 GMT -6
Don't know if these are really that funny A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States Congressman!" The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three." ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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