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Post by Nancyd021410 on Jun 25, 2007 6:29:38 GMT -6
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Post by grumpypirate on Jun 25, 2007 10:49:45 GMT -6
How come whenever you start to sing, you automatically sing in a higher voice than you talk? How come people say they ate the last piece of gum, when they really just chew it? If a pope goes to the bathroom, is it considered holy crap? You know the saying "throw ya hands in the air like ya don't care"? why bother doing that if you dont care? Why is there no pine or apple in pineapple? If "Fantasy Island" really granted wishes, why wasn't Tattoo 6'6" ? Why do water bottles have a "best if used by" date? If you called the police station to talk to an officer and he was not there, would that be considered a cop out? Can bald people get a hair line fracture? Why do they put holes in crackers? How come on TV the bell always rings and then the kids go to class, but in real life you need to be in class before the bell rings? Why can the saying "it's all downhill from here." mean both that it will be easy and that it is going to get worse? If all of ACME's products backfire, why does Wile E. Coyote keep buying them? Why do "cool" and "hot" mean the same thing? If you sneeze and fart at the same time, does a vacuum form in your stomach? Why does triangularly cut bread taste better than square bread? Does a baby feel the umbilical cord being cut off? Is it legal to name your kid "Anonymous"? Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? If you have a pet with 2 heads do you have to name both heads? Why can't liquor freeze? If you dig a hole in the south pole are you digging up or down? How come they don't add the time that we are in our mom's to our age? Why do people squint their eyes when they can't see? Wouldn't that just make it less space to see out of? What is a hacky, and why is it in a sack? Who was in the kitchen with Dina? Why do we have to pay a toll on "freeways"?
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Post by Cheza on Jun 26, 2007 0:27:17 GMT -6
Someone sent this to me a while back and I thought some of you might enjoy it.A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall. By Shannon Popkin My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco. Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall: "Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?" At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity. Cade continued, "Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh ... Mommy! I'm trying to see In dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!" I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming newborn when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, "Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!" "No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!" He started to gag at this point. "Uh oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!" As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone. "Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!" He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door. "Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What were you wooking at, Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?" More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation. "Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy." He started pounding on the door. "Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!" I saw that my "wait 'em out" plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud. My first thought was complete emabarassment, then I thought, "Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?" But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow. (Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives with her family in Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she no longer uses public restrooms)
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Post by Nancyd021410 on Jun 27, 2007 6:35:36 GMT -6
Nancy's Answers How come whenever you start to sing, you automatically sing in a higher voice than you talk? Cause it mimicks a man's sound of having his balls crushed? How come people say they ate the last piece of gum, when they really just chew it? Cause they secretly swallow the shit to have something to complain about later, typical Americans, always have to complain about something. If a pope goes to the bathroom, is it considered holy crap? Only if he poos in the Holy Stool... You know the saying "throw ya hands in the air like ya don't care"? why bother doing that if you dont care? Better than being considered deaf when you don't respondWhy is there no pine or apple in pineapple? There used to be, but someone changed the names of pines and apples when the great flood happened If "Fantasy Island" really granted wishes, why wasn't Tattoo 6'6" ? pfst, this is an easy one! Ever see their football bleachers? Why do water bottles have a "best if used by" date? Cause water has these little minute atomized sized computer chips in them floating around, and when a human drinks the shit, they actually LIKE it and want more, but if drank after that certain date, the microchips that automatically are implanted into your body disappears, and they loose money? If you called the police station to talk to an officer and he was not there, would that be considered a cop out? Nope, it's considered a cop OVER AND OUT Can bald people get a hair line fracture? Only on their toesWhy do they put holes in crackers? For birds to get a grip silly...How come on TV the bell always rings and then the kids go to class, but in real life you need to be in class before the bell rings? Cause the producers of MOST shows like that are still in the bathrooms getting HIGH and forgot that part of the script?Why can the saying "it's all downhill from here." mean both that it will be easy and that it is going to get worse? Because they are talking about boobies and NOT real hills... If all of ACME's products backfire, why does Wile E. Coyote keep buying them? Cause he's stupidWhy do "cool" and "hot" mean the same thing? Cause ALL hot guys are COOL to look at, dooohhhhhIf you sneeze and fart at the same time, does a vacuum form in your stomach? Nope, but it sure does in the person your sitting byWhy does triangularly cut bread taste better than square bread? Once again, it's all about those microchips that the government put into your body for selling purposes. Once said bread is cut, the nasty computer chips that organically grow in multitudes within your belly disappear and the shit actually tastes good? Does a baby feel the umbilical cord being cut off? OF COURSE, why the hell you think they cry for 6 months! Is it legal to name your kid "Anonymous"? Better than naming it placentaWhy is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is it really white, or is that just what you've been told that color is. Could be blue ya knowIf you have a pet with 2 heads do you have to name both heads? YesWhy can't liquor freeze? Cause people never never never want to offer another human being frozen Bud Light pops.If you dig a hole in the south pole are you digging up or down? Neither, your just diggingHow come they don't add the time that we are in our mom's to our age? Cause that damn umbilical cord hadn't been chopped off by a maniac physician with scissors and scapels... Why do people squint their eyes when they can't see? Wouldn't that just make it less space to see out of? Because someone someday many many years ago was told by a MAD scientist that doing so would improve their age wrinkles, and the tradition carried on and on and on and onWhat is a hacky, and why is it in a sack? THAT'S AT OUR STORE GOOFBALL, GO BUY ONE AND SEE FOR YOURSELFWho was in the kitchen with Dina? Her spoon, that ran away with the Moon?Why do we have to pay a toll on "freeways"? [/quote] Cause the road construction dudes are SOOOO hot, and have always been this type of physic, they have to have that extra money to buy EXTRA large clothes to put those EXTRA large muscles into, so that they can keep our roads and streets in safe working order for all to enjoy?....FOR FREE....
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Post by HY on Jun 27, 2007 7:22:44 GMT -6
OK, to both Cheza and Nancy
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Post by grumpypirate on Jun 27, 2007 10:55:50 GMT -6
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Post by grumpypirate on Jun 27, 2007 10:56:24 GMT -6
Why do they call them pepperoni if there is no pepper in it? How old does something have to be to become an antique? Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on? Do babies produce more spit than adults? How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes? Do cows have calf muscles? Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not? If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players? If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke? Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're always covered with sheets? If you died with braces on would they take them off? If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time? Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters? If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself? Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot? Why is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread? Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice? How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown? Have ex-punsters been expunged? Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional? Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed? Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted? Have ex-bankers become disinterested? Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
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Post by Nancyd021410 on Jun 29, 2007 6:48:00 GMT -6
Nancy's answers ;D Why do they call them pepperoni if there is no pepper in it? Because the Italians were stoned during the naming phase of their food? How old does something have to be to become an antique? One day older than me.. Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on? Because usually OFF it goes flying across the room, hitting your wall and smashing to a million peices? Come on, we all know you've WENT OFF on the alarm clock... ;D ;D Do babies produce more spit than adults?... Nope, watch Titanic, it's proof that grown men have more spitHow come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?... Same reason why a tomato isn't a veggie anymoreDo cows have calf muscles? Yup, and they are yummmmmyyyyWhy is shampoo clear but conditioner not? So they can mix it and make people think they are getting a bargain, when really they are only getting jipped out of more conditionerIf conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players? Just depends where they are conjoined at?... If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke? Only if they are too drunk to remember the words, if not they are just considered getting recording time in?Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're always covered with sheets? OH SHIT, is that what your suppose to do with the sheets....... If you died with braces on would they take them off?... Doh, have you checked out the prices for recycled brace shit lately? It's a hot marketIf a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?.... I forgetCan someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time? On foggy days yes... Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?.... Cause it would be Joy without the "e", and that's all mixed in wrong juiceIf you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself?... You definately be doing the wife yourself....BAD ONE EWWWW BAD ONE YUCKKKKKK NANCYIs there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot?... Nope, the world is in permanent HOTTNESS once you've discovered the LOVEHAMMERS, everything else is just COLD after thatWhy is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread? Cause 99.99% of LUNCHMEAT is made out of Sodium Erythrobrate, (SALTY EARTHWORMS) look it up, go ahead, do it- and we all know how slimy and gritty earthworms can be, hence the enlarged lunchmeat shit......Oh, it can also be used as a paint thinning agent Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice?... Cause your stoned when you do this, and all things are HIGHER then?How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown? NO SHIT, are they really?Have ex-punsters been expunged? Only if they have a good court appointed lawyer?Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?.. At what point were they functional?Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed? Nope, they just dieHave ex-civil lawyers been distorted? ;D ;D ;D.... NOT.GOING.THEREHave ex-bankers become disinterested? Nope, they die tooAre there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?... Nope, they use cats for that one
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Post by LMC on Jun 29, 2007 7:12:44 GMT -6
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D @ Nancy
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Post by Nancyd021410 on Jun 29, 2007 7:36:47 GMT -6
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Post by HY on Jun 29, 2007 8:13:07 GMT -6
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Post by grumpypirate on Jul 1, 2007 12:49:55 GMT -6
Ok Nancy, here's more for you to answer! You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards? Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission? Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream? Don't you have to get up to get to the tape? Why is the word "abbreviate" so long? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto? Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same? Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor? Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light? Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one? Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after? Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? Why is a women's prison called a penal colony? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why don't you ever see baby pigeons? Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
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Post by grumpypirate on Jul 2, 2007 22:55:15 GMT -6
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is? Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing? Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase? Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays? Why do we have hot water heaters? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
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Post by Nancyd021410 on Jul 3, 2007 6:44:30 GMT -6
Ok Nancy, here's more for you to answer! You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?... Then it wouldn't be called a plane, it'd be called a flying black box... After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?.. Nope, only 5 minutes for themYou know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?..... Then you leave it closed for eternity...doh Would a fly without wings be called a walk?... Nope, it'd be called dead Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? There isn't?.. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? It is, it's spelled the DIRTY Phil phabulous phun way....Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?.... Cause it would emordnilap and that's just all mixed in wrong juiceWhy is there only ONE Monopolies Commission? Cause they would be taking the job of the Bipolly group if different... Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream? HEHEHE..Don't knowDon't you have to get up to get to the tape? Nope, you can crawl tooWhy is the word "abbreviate" so long? Cause people are messed up all over the world?Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?... NO, it's cause of the SOUP silly girlWhy is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto? Cause he has ate his WHEATIES todayWhy is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same? They aren't. When ya hear "sit up" that's usually a sign that a *smack* is followed by the g'ma's of the world, and "sit down" is usually followed by simply you sitting down?..... Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?... better than a near hitWhy is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Cause when you get hit by the car behind you for looking up said address while driving, you can hear the other driver cussing you out beforehand?....hee heeeWhy is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?... Cause it gets stuckWhy is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? Cause our brains aren't programmed for that particular word.Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light? SO TRUE, I'll work on this one, let's change this one ok?Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one? YOU only get one, but when you buy one, the neighbor down the street is getting one free?Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after? Better than being called a but Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? Cause the hot construction men that labored so tirelessly deserves a ingWhy is a women's prison called a penal colony? Better than being called a booby colonyWhy is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Cause race car driver is easier to spellWhy don't you ever see baby pigeons? OWOWOWOWOWhy don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?... Cause they are happy grunts?.....hee heeee
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Post by grumpypirate on Jul 3, 2007 13:25:15 GMT -6
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Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces? Why do they report power outages on TV? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together? How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? How can there be "self help GROUPS"? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? How can someone "draw a blank"? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's? Do one legged ducks swim in circles? Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? Do fish get cramps after eating? Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window! Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip? Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Aren't all generalizations false? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose? Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass? If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you? How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with? What should one call a male ladybird? What would you use to dilute water? How come overtones and undertones are the same thing? If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented? Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants? If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
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